DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: BREAK THE SILENCE!

On Friday, 6th May, 2016, Ronke Shonde, a 36 year old mother of 2 was allegedly killed by her own husband. Reports have shown that prior to the fatal incident, the husband had subjected her to physical abuse on several occasions. Who knows why Ronke decided to stay? Perhaps for the children? But then, is she still there for them now? It is saddening to think that those young ones would have to get by somehow without the love of a mother. Even more saddening it is to think that the circumstances surrounding her death were avoidable. She wasn’t ill, neither was she involved in an accident. Her life was cut short by a man who promised to love and cherish her, to protect her for the rest of their lives; the very man who fathered her children.

It is disheartening to note that the story of Ronke is not an isolated case, as there have been similar reports in the past. But what is domestic violence? Who are the casualties? What must be done about it?

Domestic violence is the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior perpetrated by one intimate partner against another. It includes physical violence, sexual violence, psychological violence, and emotional abuse. The frequency and severity of domestic violence can vary dramatically; however, the one constant component of domestic violence is one partner’s consistent efforts to maintain power and control over the other. It is not always easy to determine in the early stages of a relationship if one person will become abusive. Domestic violence intensifies over time. Abusers may often seem wonderful and perfect initially, but gradually become more aggressive and controlling as the relationship continues. Abuse may begin with behaviors that may easily be dismissed or downplayed such as name-calling, threats, possessiveness, or distrust. Abusers may apologize profusely for their actions or try to convince the person they are abusing that they do these things out of love or care. However, violence and control always intensifies over time with an abuser, despite the apologies. What may start out as something that was first believed to be harmless (e.g., wanting the victim to spend all their time only with them because they love them so much) escalates into extreme control and abuse (e.g., threatening to kill or hurt the victim or others if they speak to family, friends, etc.). It is important to note that domestic violence does not always manifest as physical abuse. Emotional, verbal and psychological abuse can often be just as extreme as physical violence. 

The ripple effect of spousal abuse is enormous. One person is beaten, many suffer. Children are psychologically affected. Parents and siblings of the victim hurt. Dreams are shattered. Relationships crumble. 

That said, we will now examine some fundamental issues associated with this menace.

Our society has a way of unwittingly encouraging abusive behaviors. Picture this scenario: A woman goes through brutal treatment in the hands of the one person who is supposed to protect her, and when she cries out she is told that she has to endure and pray because it is the woman’s role to keep the family together. “stay and pray”, they say. Who says you can’t pray from a distance? Our religiosity and deeply entrenched culture that promotes gender superiority have clouded our clear thinking so much that even the victims themselves have been taught to accept the situation. The consequences of such acceptance are grave; in fact some have had to pay with their dear lives.

This is a wake-up call to African parents. What values do we instill in our daughters? Are we raising strong female characters? Do we by our words or actions convey to them that they are weak, spineless and totally dependent creatures? That should not be the case. To a very large extent, when we raise the girl child to be a decision maker, a confident individual with a strong sense of self, she would carry these qualities and command respect wherever she goes. We can’t afford to miss it or get it wrong.

The Government and law enforcement agencies have a major role to play in enforcing the laws of the land which are there to protect the citizens.

Section 34, Subsection (1) (a) of the Nigerian 1999 Constitution (as amended) provides that:

 “Every individual is entitled to respect for the dignity of his person, and accordingly -

(a)      no person shall be subject to torture or to inhuman or degrading treatment”

In view of the above, any person found mistreating another to the extent of inflicting harm should be brought to book. Family and close friends of the victims also have the right to intercede and file a fundamental rights action. You never know what you might be saving your loved one from. It is said that “a stitch in time saves nine”.

We all have the collective responsibility to sanitize our society. Let’s not leave it for the next person. Let’s act!

Domestic violence is inexcusable; whoever the aggressor may be- Male or Female. There is a reason we are called humans. Let’s not reduce ourselves to an animalistic culture. Let’s break the silence!

Let’s show our sense of collective responsibility and contact the following Lagos state emergency numbers to report cases of domestic violence around you. You just might be saving a life! We need to be good neighbors and our brother’s keeper.

• LAGOS STATE EMERGENCY NUMBERS AGENCY NUMBERS Distress Call:  767, 112
• WOMEN ABUSE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HELPLINE - 01 7617508, 08085754226, 08102678443
• CHILD ABUSE HELPLINE - 08085753932, 08102678442 07098733732